


A Very Serious Group Chat

by I_couldnt_think_of_a_name20



Category: The Fall (TV 2013)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Bad Parenting, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Male Character, Boys Being Boys, Canon Lesbian Character, Crack Treated Seriously, Drunk Texting, Drunken Shenanigans, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone Is Gay, Everyone is a dork, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Gallows Humor, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, I Don't Even Know, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Texting, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Tom's family were assholes, Truth or Dare, What Have I Done, What This Is Anymore, kinda Tom centric i swear it wasn't on purpose though, no beta we die like men, not in the nice way either, whoops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2020-07-22 19:20:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19977859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_couldnt_think_of_a_name20/pseuds/I_couldnt_think_of_a_name20
Summary: I made a texting fic for The Fall. Because why not. The only thing I'm altering is the date (2019) and Olson's death. And the canon ships of Gibson/Anderson and Gibson/Olson didn't happen.





	1. We Are Diligent Police Officers Doing Our Jobs We Swear

**_Thursday 11:24 am_ **

**D. Ferrington** _has created a new group chat._

 **D.** **Ferrington** _has added_ **T.** **Anderson** _to the group._ **D.** **Ferrington** _has added_ **G. McNally** _to the group._ **D. Ferrington** _has added_ **J. Burns** _to the group._ **D. Ferrington** _has added_ **R. Smith** _to the group._ **D.** **Ferrington** _has added_ **G. Martin** _to the group._ **D.** **Ferrington** _has added_ **J.** **Olson** _to the group._

 **D.** **Ferrington** _has named the group_ **This is the police, open up** _._

 **D. Ferrington:** hi guys! Welcome to the chat! 

**G. McNally:** hey, sweetheart! 

**J. Burns:** why do we have this? 

**R. Smith:** it's for science, boss-man. 

**R. Smith** _has changed_ **J. Burns's** _name to_ **Bossman** _._

 **Bossman:** thanks. I think? 

**T. Anderson** _has changed_ **T.** **Anderson's** _name to_ **Ineedcoffee** _._ **Ineedcoffee** _has changed_ **J. Olson's** _name to_ **BegoneTHOT.**

 **BegoneTHOT:** real mature Anderson. 

**Ineedcoffee:** can't have two Jim's, sorry mate. 

**BegoneTHOT:**...Anderson, you fucking liar. 

_**Thursday 1:47 pm**_

**R. Smith:** WHICH ONE OF YOU BASTARDS STOLE MY PIZZA??! 

**Ineedcoffee:** O_O oh shite. I have made a MISTAKE. 

**D. Ferrington:** run, Tom! 

**BegoneTHOT:** haha, you're so dead. 

**G. McNally:** wow, sis finna snapped! 

**D. Ferrington:** Please don't. Ever. Say that again. 

**Ineedcoffee:** HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?? NO, REED, PLEASE, I'M SORTFFHUYFHJG 

**Ineedcoffee** _has left the chat._

 **D. Ferrington:** oh, damn, she killed him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you guys liked it! Depending on demand/inspiration, I will be continuing this. Also I am an American, so I apologize in advance for any Americanisms.


	2. Tom Anderson is a Dramatic Bitch and This Surprises Exactly No One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of all over the place but I kinda like it regardless? It feels authentic, I guess? Enjoy!

_**Friday 2:13 pm** _

**G. Martin:** is there a particular reason why Anderson just ran into my office screaming I'M A BAD BITCH YOU CAN'T KILL ME while Tanya chased him with a bone saw??

 **G.** **McNally** _has changed_ **G. McNally's** _name to_ **Lesbo #1**. **Lesbo #1** _has changed_ **D. Ferrington's** _name to_ **Lesbo #2**.

 **Lesbo #1:** he stole her pizza.

 **G. Martin:** ah. he's a dead man.

 **Lesbo #2:** Press F to pay respects.

 **BegoneTHOT:** F

 **Lesbo#1:** F

 **G. Martin:** F

 **Bossman:** F

 **R. Smith:** F

 **Lesbo #2:** O_o

 **BegoneTHOT:** wait, TANYA???

 **R. Smith:** yes? That's my name??

 **BegoneTHOT:** my entire life is a lie. 

**Lesbo #2:** how do you NOT know that, Olson?? 

**BegoneTHOT:** everyone calls her Reed tho...

 **R. Smith:** that's my middle name. Which I prefer.

 **BegoneTHOT:** oh, okay

**_Friday 3:56 pm_ **

**Ineedcoffee:** I LIVE!!

 **Lesbo #1:** oh, hey, Tom.

 **Lesbo #2:** damn, we were already planning your funeral...

 **Ineedcoffee:** thanks guys. Really feeling the love right now.

 **BegoneTHOT:** where were you, anyway?

 **Ineedcoffee:** she locked me in a supply cupboard. It wasn't too bad, really. Met a rat, named him Clive. One of the cleaning ladies let me out eventually.

 **Bossman:** are you... okay? Do I need to make an appointment with the Psych Dept.?

 **Ineedcoffee:** it... it was a joke. About the rat, anyway, not the cupboard. And no, I'm fine.

 **R. Smith:** have you learned your lesson, Thomas Huxley Anderson?

 **Ineedcoffee:** REED I TRUSTED YOU (yeah)

 **Lesbo #1:** your middle name is HUXLEY??

 **G. Martin:** Reed that wasn't very nice

 **BegoneTHOT:** that's HILARIOUS, Anderson!

 **Ineedcoffee:** yeah, yeah laugh it up CLARENCE

 **R. Smith:** ooh ouch those are both awful

 **Lesbo #2:** I walk away from you idiots for FIVE MINUTES MY GOD

_**Friday 4:27 pm** _

_020-7946-03798 has entered the chat._

**Lesbo #1:** WTF??

 **BegoneTHOT:** guys?

 **Ineedcoffee:** I swear to fuck if we've been hacked

 **020-7946-03798:** BURNS I SWEAR TO GOD STOP BLOODY CALLING ME

 **G. Martin:** oh shite I think it's Gibson

 **Lesbo #2:** hello ma'am! I think Burns gave you the wrong number?

 **020-7946-03798:** oh. Sorry about that then.

**020-7946-03798** _has left the chat._ **Bossman** _has left the chat._

**BegoneTHOT:** well that was terrifying. I wouldn't want to be Burns right now

 **R. Smith:** tbh, I don't think Burns wants to be Burns right now

 **Ineedcoffee:** oh mood

 **Lesbo #2:** you seriously need a therapist Tom

 **Ineedcoffee:** none of you have a sense of humor

 **BegoneTHOT:** none of us are less than thirty years old Anderson

 **Ineedcoffee:** Olson. Olson why would you do that to me. Olson why. You monster.

 **G. Martin:** hang on let me look up his stats

 **Ineedcoffee:** DO NOT

 **G. Martin:** you're TWENTY-SEVEN?? WHO LET YOU WALK IN THE DOOR??

 **Ineedcoffee:** my boss

 **Lesbo #1:** aw, he babey

 **Lesbo #2:** yeah Reed you can't be mean to him, he's babey

 **BegoneTHOT:** bet he grew that beard just so people wouldn't realize how old he is haha

 **Ineedcoffee:** I hate you all 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me again! Let me know if you liked it!


	3. Do Not Upset The Medical Examiner It Is Bad For Your Health

**_Monday 8:03 am_ **

**Ineedcoffee** : fun fact! If you ask a coworker “how are you” and they say “well, I'm here” that loosely translates to “I need you to push me off the roof. We can make it look like an accident. If I die I'm finally free. If I live, we'll sue this place and split the money. Please for the love of god help me.”

**BegoneTHOT** : ...what

**Ineedcoffee** : I walked past Glen who looked like he was going to cry when Eastwood told him he had to work overtime tomorrow

**R. Smith** : great now I have to listen to his moaning

**Lesbo #1** : i'm sure it's not that bad

**R.** **Smith** : you don't have to sit in a room with him and a dead bloke for four hours

**Lesbo #1** : touche

**_Monday 2:49 pm_ **

**Lesbo** **#2** : good afternoon bisexuals, have you eaten? Answer quickly! ICED COFFEE IS NOT A MEAL!

**BegoneTHOT** : yeah

**R.** **Smith** : yes

**Ineedcoffee** : I feel called out...

**Lesbo** **#1** : u were meant to

**G.** **Martin** : gimme a mo and I'll get u a sandwich

**Ineedcoffee** : you dont have to I can do it myself. I am an adult.

**G.** **Martin** : says the guy who consistently forgets to take a lunch break

**Ineedcoffee** : shut up

**Bossman** : we are literally discussing a double homicide right now get off the chat please

**Lesbo** **#2** : yes sir Mr. Dad

**Bossman** : please don't

**Lesbo** **#2** : apologies sir

**_Tuesday 3:07 am_ **

**Ineedcoffee** : friendly reminder that planet earth is a dense molten core encased in a layer of solids, and therefore is, technically speaking, a ravioli

**Lesbo** **#1** : Thomas please go to sleep wtf

**Ineedcoffee** : no. Also what are those little nibbles they give you at parties called? Whore duvets? Horse divers? Horse divorce?

**BegoneTHOT** : whore duvets lol

**G.** **Martin** : they're called hors d'ouevres now please go to sleep

**Ineedcoffee** : ...do penguins have knees?

**R.** **Smith** : OH MY HOLY FUCK IF YOU IDIOTS DON'T SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW I WILL HUNT YOU ALL DOWN AND KNOCK YOU OUT

**Ineedcoffee** _has left the chat._ **G.** **Martin** _has left the chat._ **Lesbo** **#1** _has left the chat._ **BegoneTHOT** _has left the chat._

**R.** **Smith** : THANK you

**R.** **Smith** _has left the chat._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays and enjoy this madness


	4. Gays Can't Cook... Or Call An Ambulance, Apparently

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This took... forever. My bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for blood. And implied child abuse.

_**Tuesday 9:47 pm** _

**Ineedcoffee** : guess who just found out the difference between wax paper and parchment paper the hard way

**BegoneTHOT** : wait there's a difference?

**Ineedcoffee** : one you can use in the oven safely and the other you can use in the oven safely if the thing you are trying to make also happens to be on fire

**R. Smith** : damn are you ok?

**Ineedcoffee** : i'm fine. my oven is not. and the blokes from the fire brigade are laughing at me, so. could've been worse.

**Lesbo #1** : gays really can't cook lol

**Ineedcoffee** : i'm bisexual

**G. Martin** : we know, Tom. We know.

**Lesbo #2** : you're one to talk babe you literally melted a pan last month

**Lesbo #1** : we agreed to never speak of that again

**BegoneTHOT** : oh? Melted pan?

**Lesbo #1** : NO. DIDN'T HAPPEN.

_**Wednesday 2:14 pm** _

**Ineedcoffee** : feel free to dress slutty at my funeral it's what i would've wanted

**BegoneTHOT** : nice haha

**Lesbo #1** : same lol

**Lesbo #2** : dress me sluttily at my open-casket funeral to upset the conservative Christians lmao

**Bossman** : Detective Sergeant Thomas Anderson

**Ineedcoffee** : oh shit

**Bossman** : why

**Bossman** : did dispatch

**Bossman** : just tell me

**Bossman** : that you got shot

**Bossman** : and you're on your goddamn phone?

**R. Smith** : oh you're so dead

**Ineedcoffee** : i can type with one hand

**BegoneTHOT** : you got shot in the hand??

**Ineedcoffee** : no i'm pressing on the injury with one hand to stop it from bleeding smh basic first aid Jim

**Lesbo #1** : i'm sending a car for your idiot ass

**R. Smith** : why are you like this thomas you idiot

**Ineedcoffee** : ...would you be mad if i said it was bc i didn't want to bother anyone? 

**Lesbo #2** : mate. WTF?? that is... not ok... on many levels. what were u even planning on doing???

**Ineedcoffee** : i can stitch it myself! i've had lots of practice thanks to my dad

**Bossman** : What.

**Ineedcoffee** : ah.

**Ineedcoffee** _has left the chat_. 


End file.
